The scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat

Guinness Beer Commercial

Back 2 Basics

Oh, what a night. Late December back in '63. What a very special time for me, 'Cause I remember what a night.

Why you may ask dear friend? Well, I'll tell you, but I advise you take a seat first. Use that beanbag chair in the corner. I insist.

Let's just say that I triggered the polar shift then, and reversed it. And I aim to do it again too, if those darn kids and that dog don't get in the way....

I won't go into complete detail, but I will say thusly, it involved a petrified banana from the tomb of Cleopatra, shorn locks obtained when Abraham Lincoln cut his long hair before the Gettysburg Address, 2 cloves of garlic carried in the armpits of a native from the Malaysian foothills, a heavily disputed Wikipedia entry, all the former retired Chicago Cubs who's last name begins with "N", and a novelty pint of Guinness keychain.

Boombox Bicycle

On my most recent trip to South America I came across this fella in Cusco Peru while I was on my way to Machu Picchu. His name is Miguel and this bicycle has been his lifelong passion. Upon further conversation I discovered that he decided to create the world's greatest boombox bicycle. While he had the bicycle he initially had no spare funds to buy the speakers and other necessities. Over time he bought each item until he finally had it all together after 10 years of working towards his ultimate goal. The day I met him was his third day out on the boombox bicycle and he said he has been having the time of his life. I considered everything he told me as I decided in my head the price I was going to offer him for this bicycle. I knew from the moment I saw it that I just absolutely had to have it. My first offer was for $100 US hoping he would fall for the low offer. He told me the bicycle is not for sale at any price. I felt a little worried but could not give up. $1,000 US I told him. He once again told me that the bicycle was not for sale at any price. Now I was worried that he was trying to get me for all I was worth. $10,000 US final offer. He was about to tell me once again that the bicycle was not for sale but he must have realized how much money I had just offered and he said sold. We completed the transaction and I was on my way on the coolest bicycle I ever owed. People waved and smiled as I drove by. Miguel was right, I was having the time of my life until I made one wrong turn. It was like entering a whole new world from what I remember about the incident. Before I could turn back I was knocked out cold and woke up in the middle of the jungle with no boombox bicycle. I eventually found my way out of the jungle and searched the city trying to find my bicycle but it was gone. I continued on to explore Machu Picchu but I just could not forget about my lost boombox bicycle and since I have returned from my trip I have already starting building one of my own. Now I'm just pissed off that I spent $10,000 on the one I bought in Peru because it's only going to cost me a few hundred dollars for my boombox bicycle.

"I say we put MUSTARD on it!"

DUDE, Warrant RULES!

Yo, what's up fellow "House of Hair"-ites? The Metal Militia. The dudes, who can air guitar like nobody's business while drinkin' 2 PBR's at once. I was looking for a cool and cutting edge blog to post my finished masterpiece.... Like totally rad right? Totally badass rad. I mean, they even got the dimensions of Randy Roads' bicep correct. Like DUDE!

Oh, by the way, my name is Tommi "Iommi" Bunson. Dig the nickname backstage mamas? Well, I'm thoroughly single since I have not exited my apartment for the past 6 months hiding this back....OF FURY! Please get ahold of me through the Ramshackle fellas if ya can. Our date will be so exhilarating. I promise to go through each band and explain to you exactly WHY they deserve to be in the "House of Hair". Go ahead and debate me. My ex Shirley did and boy did she get an earful! I will explain my favorite albums and killer cuts.

And, to end the night right, we can chill in my apartment and I will pull out my axe and shred for you. I wrote a few tunes in my head while on the tattoo parlor table. Freakin' awesome babes!!

Love always,

Tommi "Iommi" Bunson

Cock Soccer

In the photo above you can see Colonel Crispy Strips to the left and on the right is my good pal Jonathan Tender Roast. These two soccer cocks have shown exceptional skills on and off the field which will hopefully lead them to the World Cup championship of cock soccer versus the Guatemalan team who have had the best cocks in the world for the past 4 years in a row. I suppose you may be wondering how I happened upon such skilled cocks. Well, it is actually a somewhat interesting story that begins in Amish country.

I was rolling around rural central Ohio taking some photographs and looking for something to eat when I came across a sign that advertised delicious and highly skilled cocks for sale. I decided to stop and see what this was all about. When I got out of my car I was approached by what I would call the equivalent of a street thug in Amish country. He was wearing a black robe and standing in the shadows of a buggy. I was a bit weary but decided that I absolutely needed to find out more about these cocks.

I ended walking away with the two best cock soccer players in all of Amish country and I have to say I was quite pleased with myself. The man had told me about the rigorous and extensive training that these particular cocks must go through. First they began with a steady diet of cock and only cock so that they have the essential blood thirst needed to play the game. After this phase, the cocks are sent to play with the best Amish soccer cocks until they have mastered the necessary skills to compete on a worldwide level. Lastly, they are sent to the slaughterhouse where they witness the atrocities that occur there and instill just the right amount of hate into the cocks. At this point, they are certified to be the best cock soccers in the world. It really is too bad that I got bored with the whole cock soccer thing and ended up eating those cocks. The sign was right though because those were definitely the best two cocks that I have ever had in my life.

My new sunglasshes...

Aloha folksh! It's Claudius Von Wainright the Third, Esquire here. As you can see, I'm lookshing extra stylishh with my rose colored "hip" sunglasshes, right? The mangy street vendor that shold them to me shwears they are authentic Prada and that alone was enough for me to pay $500 dollarsh for them.

Along with the glasshes, I received a certificate of authenticity with the following printed on it:

"Hello! Thank you for purchasing the Mercedes Benz of sunglasses! You hold in your hands a piece of history. These Prada beauties were hand selected to come to America in the knapsack of the Premiere of Italy. The plastic frames were created from the oil that flows from the bosom of New Zealand and then hand molded by a blind craftsman who intuitively sculpts each pair. The lenses were created from a NASA glass prototype that was stolen in a heist during the cover of night. Your pieces specifically were made possible because of the lookout boy Luis Zeister, who made the brave sacrifice of checking the voltage of the electrified door in the NASA's inner chamber. Please take the time and send the Zeister family a Thank You Card!!"

So, I'm offsh to the beach to grab some honeys. Take her eashy and if she's eashy, fool around with her;)

Showdown

Thimble of the Ancient Pharoahs

There's a rundown Flea Market just outside of the city limits of a town called Burnt Corn, Alabama. From the outside, it looks like any other dilapidated shopper's fair. Old Valvoline signs with rusted edges swing in the breeze, a board touting the "World's Best Damn Frozen Custard in Alabama" still resides and shouts it's tired message. Most folks call it "Uncle Tuck's Country Flea Market & Car Wash", and for good reason. The car wash is still used by passers by, usually by young folks hiding in the ports to fog up the windows on a Saturday night.

"Uncle Tuck's", however, has been closed for 7 years. But, if you chance by it Friday nights, walk into the blue painted building with a cigar store indian out front. It looks like any other rustic General Stores from times gone by. Once you enter the red-painted doorway, it's as if you've been transported. A blind-mute named Amenhotep works the counter at the most unbelievable store ever imagined.

I had the opportunity to "chance by" while taking photos for the local paper. Once inside, my eyes readjusted and my mind wrapped around what I had discovered. Inside, there were various wonders from throughout the world, at discount prices! There were 4 Arks of the Covenant for $150 each. The meaning of life in a wooden intricately-carved box was a steal at $11,000 (but they wouldn't take American Express). There were magic mirrors, a replica of the Golden Fleece, American Indian runes, and a whole stack of Ben Franklin's personal correspondence.

After taking a moment to read a note to Ben's mistress Mildred, I came across an item I could not pass up. It was a thimble, created from gold of Ancient Egypt. Encrusted with turquoise utilized by Nefertiti herself. I held it in my agile hands. This was something truly special. I asked Amenhotep how much he wanted for this veritable treasure not realizing he was a blind mute. After asking him repeatedly fifteen times and still no response, I threw a $20 bill down in disgust and left the amazing flea market.

Now, my next task, what do I sew using this amazing thimble? A toga made of the fur of a white buffalo? Only time, and imagination will tell...

How Jay Made A Dollar

"How much do you want for this?" said the man with the strange hat.
"I'm gonna need to get $2 for that" replied Jay.
"Whoa! That's a bit much for one of these don't you think?"
"Well you don't know what I had to do to get it."
"I'll give you fifty cents and that is my final offer."
"I just can't do it. How about a dollar fifty."
"No, no, no! Fifty cents is all that it is worth period."
"Okay I'll level with you. I first had to travel 300 miles in a custom built scooter powered by two field mice. After predators ate my power source while I slept, I then had to continue an additional 8.537 miles on foot to reach my destination. Upon arriving the owner insisted that I negotiate with his 3 year old daughter to complete the transaction. She wanted her weight in Skittles but her dad said no Skittles. So I suggested one dollar so I could just get it and leave. The man told me that my money was no good and that I was going to have to do just one thing for him to obtain the item. I'll spare you all the details because the complete story has been known to make full grown men burst into tears. Phase one consisted of a can of finely ground powder made from the hooves of elk, three yamakas filled with Campbell's Chunky soup and a copy of Cracked magazine circa 1974. Phase two involved fourteen meat cleavers, a pair of socks so worn out that just a single thread remained and a bus load of female senior citizen widows looking to get back on the dating scene. Finally, the third and final phase involved a deck of playing cards with all but the 5 of hearts removed, 3 bags of material marked with biohazard stickers, a beating heart fresh from the corpse of the most evil woman on the planet and finally a one pound assorted bag of those little pastel colored mini marshmallows. I'm sure you can fill in the details to understand that I had a very difficult time obtaining this item. You want to buy it for a dollar?"
The man with the strange hat removed his hat and proceeded to contort his face in several different ways that clearly showed the agony of making the difficult decision.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents"
"Can't do it. I need a dollar."
"Okay fine. Here's a dollar."
"Thanks fella."

Parallel Universe

Steve, Dave and Jay were sitting on a degraded park bench. The wood had well-worn butt grooves from years of elderly folk engaging in "heavy petting" during sunsets after they drank their daily fifths of scotch. The metal holding the wood was caked in rust created from a combination of summer downpours, squirrel and elderly urine.

In a moment of extreme clarity, Jay looked up. "Hey guys, in a parallel universe not far off from our own, I created this blog."

Steve took a moment from eating his orange creamsicle and asked, "What? That's cool. Blogs are da shizzle grizzle."

Dave smirked and asked, "What is it called?"

After much trepidation, Jay spoke, "Well, it's called Ramshackle Express Publishing. I can't go into much detail, but I can tell you this. It involves micro-fiction, a team of 26 gnomes transcribing our every hilarious thought by assigned letter each wearing a leotard with the specific letter printed on it, a powder blue Skip-It circa 1983, the letter "H" volume from Encyclopedia Brittanica with the picture of Herbert Hoover given a sharpie mustache, Mos Def's left pinkie wearing a Darkwing Duck Decoder Ring, and a trampoline made from the hairs of the wild goats of Nepal after a strictly cannibalistic diet."

Steve again looked up and mentioned, "That's interesting" and proceeded to give birth to a litter of calico kittens.

Sleeveface!

TRY IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Single Female Seeks Companion

My name is Cindy Lou Stinkslikepoo and I am a SWF seeking anybody. I've tried the bars, coffee shops, street corners, alleys, Wal-Mart and various dating sites but so far I have had no luck in finding even a single date or sex partner. People are usually appalled by my appearance but I have a great personality which is not as easy to show off. I have posted the best picture I have where I am enjoying one of my favorite hobbies. I also like to spend my time hollering at teenage hooligans, hitching rides with complete strangers, feeding children at the playground, scuttle butting, ear wax sculpting and of course my prized collection of things shaped like penises which I use daily for pleasure and pain. There is plenty more to learn and love about me so send me an email so that I can finally discover what intercourse is like with another human being. Cindyloupoo@analtorture.com

Japan Parking Man

Quack QUACK!!

Dearest Ramshackle Reader,

Quack. Quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack? 

QUACK! Quack.......quack...  quack!!!

Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack and quack. 

 

Thank you kindly for your time,

Dr. Quackington Von Duckworth III, Esquire

*EDITOR'S NOTE: Please heed his gentle warning. Dr. Duckworth is a highly respected leader in his field.

Shoot The Breeze

Shoot the breeze
Follow the wind
Clouds erupt
Storm rolls in

I have a Vision!

I have a vision to tell you about
moving pretty pictures with sound
I have a vision a multi color invasion
I have a vision- a television.

Video may have killed the radio star, but I think crack killed them.
Video killed the radio star, but iPod radios killed the Video station.

Wonder Years

Ah, the wonder years
Dating my best girl
Hanging out with Paul
Life was good in the 60’s
Wish I could go back
Live there once again
When it was all so perfect
Dammit! That was T.V.

i'm lovin' it

“Hey Linda! You wanna go to McDonalds?”

“Didn’t you go there for lunch today?”

“Yeah, so? You wanna go?”

20 years later

"Hey Richard? You wanna go to McDonalds?”
“Didn’t you go there for lunch today?”
“And breakfast. So what? You wanna go?”
“Do you eat anything else?”
“Maybe.”

20 more years later

“Hey Leonard! Go to McDonald’s for me!”
“You can’t move and you still want that shit?”
“You know what I like. Go get it!”
“This has to stop! Did you call the doctor?”
“He’s comin’ Tuesday. Go to McDonald’s!”

That Tuesday

“Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
“Well, what you have is a severe case of obesity.”
“You callin’ me fat doc?”
“I’m saying your life is in danger! What do you eat?”
“McDonald’s. Burgers and fries mostly.”
“My word! Do you eat anything else?”
“Every once in awhile I go to Burger King.”
“You need to start eating healthy. You don’t have much time.”
“I had a Diet Coke last week! I’ll give this healthy thing a try.”

5 McDonald’s binging years later

“9-1-1?...This….is….an…..emergen…cy! I…can’t….breath!”
“Ok ma’am calm down. An ambulance is on it’s way.”
“Make...sure..they..take..me...to...hospital..near...McDonald’s!”

Evolution of Dance

BLT2ROC

sunday haiku:

Big truck, "Built Ford Tough",

makes up for his small stickshift?

YEEEAH, he's built to rock!

Kitty Battle

I decided to go hiking the other day and came across a sight that was hard for me to even comprehend. I had just reached the summit of a hill I was climbing and in the valley below I saw thousands of cats gathered together for some reason. I decided to stay where I was for awhile to see what was going to happen. I found out later that these cats were preparing for battle. The main conflict was between the Meow Mix Group and Cat Chow Team. A small legion of cats was also fighting for the honor of Kit N' Kaboodles. These cats were determined to decide once and for all which is the best cat food in the world. The Meow Mix Group had a few secret weapons that included: a collection of 1970's era Cat Stevens vinyl records, 10 pounds of catnip and lots of feathers tied to pieces of string. The Cat Chow Team decided to try some different techniques which included the use of 3 Russian Cold War era nuclear missles, 20 gallons of milk and a dozen fuzzy mouse toys with bells. The Kit N' Kaboodles Crew were far outnumbered and only had a couple frisbees chewed on by dogs and a couple of cardboard claw-sharpening pads. I'll spare you all the details because it was rather gruesome. From my perspective it appeared as though the Cat Chow Team were the winners but that is just a guess. I overheard one of the cats vow to never stop until the best cat food has been determined once and for all. Based on what I saw, it is going to be a long, hard fought battle. Good luck kitties.

Dedicated to the brave kitties who gave their nine lives that day:
Paul, Bubbles, Mr. Kitty, Reginald Von Kittywhiskers, Bootsy, Mittens, Bojangles, Stinky, Sir Whipsalot, Tuna Breath, Marvin, Arnold Schwartzenkitty, Cat Richardson, Paw Paws, Kitty, Revenge of Kitty, Son Of Revenge Of Kitty, Son Of Son Of Revenge Of Kitty, Oscar, Flash, Sleepy, O. J., Richard, Mittsy, Dave, Cat Stevens, Randolph, Wilcox, Dustin, Faux Paw, Schmoo, Demon Cat From Hell, Mighty Fred, Flippy, Arbuckle Jr., Luster, Tootles, Jack The Sparrow Hunter, Mungo-Jerrie, Rumpleteaser, Dopey, Bob, Furball, Rum-Tum-Tugger, Zoom Zoom, Squishy, Moony, Conundrum, Blender, Tickles, Roger, Raymond Honeycutt, Harpo, Bill, Howlsy, Mojo Jojo, Happy, Fluffbum, Dookie, Rooty Tooty, Colonel Whiskerface and Sam.

I Ate My Mommy

When I woke up this morning there was a whole lot of snow outside. Mommy said that we were going to be "snowed in" for awhile. What Mommy didn't tell me was that she forgot to go grocery shopping the day before and there was no food in the house. I need to eat as soon as I wake up and Mommy knows that. She says I turn into a monster if I don't get something to eat but I don't think I'm quite that bad. Mommy made up a breakfast consisting of one leather wallet, diced and broiled, stewed cantaloupe rinds, something Mommy called fruit pants and a big glass of water. I told Mommy that I hate water and refused to touch anything. I started getting really hungry but I would not give in. Many hours passed and then maybe a day. I don't remember much from that day. I have three very distinct memories though. One was an Istanbul newspaper from 1972, next I recall a very shiny thing and then the last thing I remember is a pile of bones all arranged to spell out GOODBYE MOMMY. Oops! I ate my Mommy.

Rt. 420/Stony Ridge

sunday haiku:

Dearest Stony Ridge,

How many have burned one down,

Just to say they did? :)

We Come in Peeps

PIC: THANKS BOINGBOING


Jeeves: "So, I said to Mary Jane, sweetie that blouse is to DIE for, but only a FOOL would wear it after labor day"
Georgina: "Ha ha ha. You're so DEVILISH Jeevesy!.....What..what...is THAT on the horizon? Are the commies INVADING? Oh my God!"
Jeeves: "Why, I think it's one of those so called Unidentified Flying Obstacles."
Georgina: "I'm not dressed properly for ALIENS. Quick, where's my rouge and mascara!"
Two highly advanced spaceships landed on the horizon. Each filled with an army of gooey marshmalloid beings. They looked like deformed and mutated ducks from another dimension. After much flashing lights and hydraulic landing gear was deployed, the leader raised his voice to speak.
PEEP LEADER: "We come in peeps."
The crowd of debutantes continued to stare at them in amazement and whimsy. The Peep Leader sneezed, groped his crotch and scratched what could be considered a chin.
PEEP LEADER:"It took many light years to reach this feeble planet. It smells of death and foot odor. It was a hard and bizarre trip. I can't go into the exact details of how it happened because your pitiful language cannot fully explain. But I will say this, it involved a SETI obtained satellite recording of "Across the Universe" by the Beatles from your home planet, 18 Peep slaves who are no good at dancing which causes them to be outcasts on our home planet, what you would call excrement for our fuel, and the promise of seeing Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond sharing the same stage at Madison Square Garden this coming Wednesday."
PEEP UNDERLING:"And cake!"
PEEP LEADER:"Oh, of course and cake."
Then, Godzilla came in and destroyed the Peeps with his fire breath, melting them into piles of goo.

Michigan Road Sign

Train blocks

Pickle road

When blue

Light flashing

Stay Off Grass!

I woke up today to find those damn neighborhood kids trampling all over my lawn again. Filled with rage, I tried to devise a plan to get rid of them once and for all. First I ran outside waving a broom, threatening to hit them with it. Those damn kids just stood there and started laughing at me. So I went back inside to devise a new plan. I opened up a can of cat food and threw it at those damn kids hoping that my legion of 47 cats would attack. Unfortunately, I could not properly communicate my plan to the cats and they just meandered around the yard eating the food. By now I was steaming mad and determined to get those damn kids off my lawn. I went back inside and devised my most evil and clever plan yet. In fact it worked so well I'm not going to share my secret with all you damn people but I will tell you what it involved. First I grabbed my collection of various lengths of string that I've been collecting since 1933. Then I went into my laundry-pantry-den and picked up a basket of clothes-food-note pins. To round it all off I grabbed 12 marbles, 2 dozen refrigerator magnets and my prized jar of things that fell off my body. My plan worked perfectly and I stood there enthralled as those damn kids turned as white as ghosts and took off running. I won't see those damn kids again.

Peacin' Ain't Easy...

Whew! Boy am I tired...I was on my way to feed 1/4 of the world's poor with genetically altered gigantic ears of corn, the usual. In an instant, I was paged by the emergency arm of the United Nations. I was needed to negotiate a peace treaty between 2 African Bushmen tribes. It was a lengthy process and I won't go into detail, but it involved 14 pieces of twisted copper wire (each a different shade of blue), a roving diplomat nicknamed "Revolvo" with a lengthy orange beard that a sparrow has made a small nest in, 27 playing cards from the trick deck of legendary escapist Harry Houdini, and a 4" by 7" square of shag carpet (stained by an accidentally dropped piece of Dragon Roll) from Jim Morrison's beach pad during his time in film school. All is safe in Botswana...FOR NOW!

One crazy ride.

I was driving to my mullet support group, AMA (American Mullets Anonymous) when at a stoplight I was surrounded by fourteen 72 year old midgets wearing Rip Taylor costumes. I maintained composure, but when they brought the farm raised corn fed chickens into the equation thats when things got a bit out of hand. I'll spare you the grim details, for the entire story would take up half the free space on the internet to type but I will tell you this... it involved a Clydesdale 1.2 inches tall named Tim Fraunch injured in a pole vaulting experiment, a back molar tricked out of the mouth of ferret by a pro con-man, and a medium sized picnic table that I have personally taught how to sing any Michael Jackson song on command. It wasn't until then, I gained control of the situation, and made it to my meeting 3 minutes late. It's cool though, I'm always 3 minutes late.

-DR

Prize Winner/Loser

What a crazy day! I won $5,000,000 in a prize drawing and then instantly lost that money. I'll spare you all the details but it involved one #3 pencil (not #2), one bag of corn flakes all shaped like the state of Idaho, a newborn baby posing as a senior citizen and 24 various flavored licorice sticks.

Terrorist Plot Foiled

You wouldn't believe it but I stopped a terrorist attack earlier this week. I can't tell you exactly how I did it due to classified information but it involved 17 plastic sporks, one joke fire extinguisher, a car battery and one strand of hair from a southern rascist.