Saturday, March 22, 2008
I woke up today to find those damn neighborhood kids trampling all over my lawn again. Filled with rage, I tried to devise a plan to get rid of them once and for all. First I ran outside waving a broom, threatening to hit them with it. Those damn kids just stood there and started laughing at me. So I went back inside to devise a new plan. I opened up a can of cat food and threw it at those damn kids hoping that my legion of 47 cats would attack. Unfortunately, I could not properly communicate my plan to the cats and they just meandered around the yard eating the food. By now I was steaming mad and determined to get those damn kids off my lawn. I went back inside and devised my most evil and clever plan yet. In fact it worked so well I'm not going to share my secret with all you damn people but I will tell you what it involved. First I grabbed my collection of various lengths of string that I've been collecting since 1933. Then I went into my laundry-pantry-den and picked up a basket of clothes-food-note pins. To round it all off I grabbed 12 marbles, 2 dozen refrigerator magnets and my prized jar of things that fell off my body. My plan worked perfectly and I stood there enthralled as those damn kids turned as white as ghosts and took off running. I won't see those damn kids again.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Whew! Boy am I tired...I was on my way to feed 1/4 of the world's poor with genetically altered gigantic ears of corn, the usual. In an instant, I was paged by the emergency arm of the United Nations. I was needed to negotiate a peace treaty between 2 African Bushmen tribes. It was a lengthy process and I won't go into detail, but it involved 14 pieces of twisted copper wire (each a different shade of blue), a roving diplomat nicknamed "Revolvo" with a lengthy orange beard that a sparrow has made a small nest in, 27 playing cards from the trick deck of legendary escapist Harry Houdini, and a 4" by 7" square of shag carpet (stained by an accidentally dropped piece of Dragon Roll) from Jim Morrison's beach pad during his time in film school. All is safe in Botswana...FOR NOW!
I was driving to my mullet support group, AMA (American Mullets Anonymous) when at a stoplight I was surrounded by fourteen 72 year old midgets wearing Rip Taylor costumes. I maintained composure, but when they brought the farm raised corn fed chickens into the equation thats when things got a bit out of hand. I'll spare you the grim details, for the entire story would take up half the free space on the internet to type but I will tell you this... it involved a Clydesdale 1.2 inches tall named Tim Fraunch injured in a pole vaulting experiment, a back molar tricked out of the mouth of ferret by a pro con-man, and a medium sized picnic table that I have personally taught how to sing any Michael Jackson song on command. It wasn't until then, I gained control of the situation, and made it to my meeting 3 minutes late. It's cool though, I'm always 3 minutes late.
What a crazy day! I won $5,000,000 in a prize drawing and then instantly lost that money. I'll spare you all the details but it involved one #3 pencil (not #2), one bag of corn flakes all shaped like the state of Idaho, a newborn baby posing as a senior citizen and 24 various flavored licorice sticks.
You wouldn't believe it but I stopped a terrorist attack earlier this week. I can't tell you exactly how I did it due to classified information but it involved 17 plastic sporks, one joke fire extinguisher, a car battery and one strand of hair from a southern rascist.