Saturday, March 29, 2008

Kitty Battle

I decided to go hiking the other day and came across a sight that was hard for me to even comprehend. I had just reached the summit of a hill I was climbing and in the valley below I saw thousands of cats gathered together for some reason. I decided to stay where I was for awhile to see what was going to happen. I found out later that these cats were preparing for battle. The main conflict was between the Meow Mix Group and Cat Chow Team. A small legion of cats was also fighting for the honor of Kit N' Kaboodles. These cats were determined to decide once and for all which is the best cat food in the world. The Meow Mix Group had a few secret weapons that included: a collection of 1970's era Cat Stevens vinyl records, 10 pounds of catnip and lots of feathers tied to pieces of string. The Cat Chow Team decided to try some different techniques which included the use of 3 Russian Cold War era nuclear missles, 20 gallons of milk and a dozen fuzzy mouse toys with bells. The Kit N' Kaboodles Crew were far outnumbered and only had a couple frisbees chewed on by dogs and a couple of cardboard claw-sharpening pads. I'll spare you all the details because it was rather gruesome. From my perspective it appeared as though the Cat Chow Team were the winners but that is just a guess. I overheard one of the cats vow to never stop until the best cat food has been determined once and for all. Based on what I saw, it is going to be a long, hard fought battle. Good luck kitties.

Dedicated to the brave kitties who gave their nine lives that day:
Paul, Bubbles, Mr. Kitty, Reginald Von Kittywhiskers, Bootsy, Mittens, Bojangles, Stinky, Sir Whipsalot, Tuna Breath, Marvin, Arnold Schwartzenkitty, Cat Richardson, Paw Paws, Kitty, Revenge of Kitty, Son Of Revenge Of Kitty, Son Of Son Of Revenge Of Kitty, Oscar, Flash, Sleepy, O. J., Richard, Mittsy, Dave, Cat Stevens, Randolph, Wilcox, Dustin, Faux Paw, Schmoo, Demon Cat From Hell, Mighty Fred, Flippy, Arbuckle Jr., Luster, Tootles, Jack The Sparrow Hunter, Mungo-Jerrie, Rumpleteaser, Dopey, Bob, Furball, Rum-Tum-Tugger, Zoom Zoom, Squishy, Moony, Conundrum, Blender, Tickles, Roger, Raymond Honeycutt, Harpo, Bill, Howlsy, Mojo Jojo, Happy, Fluffbum, Dookie, Rooty Tooty, Colonel Whiskerface and Sam.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I Ate My Mommy

When I woke up this morning there was a whole lot of snow outside. Mommy said that we were going to be "snowed in" for awhile. What Mommy didn't tell me was that she forgot to go grocery shopping the day before and there was no food in the house. I need to eat as soon as I wake up and Mommy knows that. She says I turn into a monster if I don't get something to eat but I don't think I'm quite that bad. Mommy made up a breakfast consisting of one leather wallet, diced and broiled, stewed cantaloupe rinds, something Mommy called fruit pants and a big glass of water. I told Mommy that I hate water and refused to touch anything. I started getting really hungry but I would not give in. Many hours passed and then maybe a day. I don't remember much from that day. I have three very distinct memories though. One was an Istanbul newspaper from 1972, next I recall a very shiny thing and then the last thing I remember is a pile of bones all arranged to spell out GOODBYE MOMMY. Oops! I ate my Mommy.

Rt. 420/Stony Ridge

sunday haiku:
Dearest Stony Ridge,
How many have burned one down,
Just to say they did? :)

We Come in Peeps


Jeeves: "So, I said to Mary Jane, sweetie that blouse is to DIE for, but only a FOOL would wear it after labor day"
Georgina: "Ha ha ha. You're so DEVILISH Jeevesy! THAT on the horizon? Are the commies INVADING? Oh my God!"
Jeeves: "Why, I think it's one of those so called Unidentified Flying Obstacles."
Georgina: "I'm not dressed properly for ALIENS. Quick, where's my rouge and mascara!"
Two highly advanced spaceships landed on the horizon. Each filled with an army of gooey marshmalloid beings. They looked like deformed and mutated ducks from another dimension. After much flashing lights and hydraulic landing gear was deployed, the leader raised his voice to speak.
PEEP LEADER: "We come in peeps."
The crowd of debutantes continued to stare at them in amazement and whimsy. The Peep Leader sneezed, groped his crotch and scratched what could be considered a chin.
PEEP LEADER:"It took many light years to reach this feeble planet. It smells of death and foot odor. It was a hard and bizarre trip. I can't go into the exact details of how it happened because your pitiful language cannot fully explain. But I will say this, it involved a SETI obtained satellite recording of "Across the Universe" by the Beatles from your home planet, 18 Peep slaves who are no good at dancing which causes them to be outcasts on our home planet, what you would call excrement for our fuel, and the promise of seeing Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond sharing the same stage at Madison Square Garden this coming Wednesday."
PEEP LEADER:"Oh, of course and cake."
Then, Godzilla came in and destroyed the Peeps with his fire breath, melting them into piles of goo.