Back 2 Basics

Oh, what a night. Late December back in '63. What a very special time for me, 'Cause I remember what a night.

Why you may ask dear friend? Well, I'll tell you, but I advise you take a seat first. Use that beanbag chair in the corner. I insist.

Let's just say that I triggered the polar shift then, and reversed it. And I aim to do it again too, if those darn kids and that dog don't get in the way....

I won't go into complete detail, but I will say thusly, it involved a petrified banana from the tomb of Cleopatra, shorn locks obtained when Abraham Lincoln cut his long hair before the Gettysburg Address, 2 cloves of garlic carried in the armpits of a native from the Malaysian foothills, a heavily disputed Wikipedia entry, all the former retired Chicago Cubs who's last name begins with "N", and a novelty pint of Guinness keychain.

Boombox Bicycle

On my most recent trip to South America I came across this fella in Cusco Peru while I was on my way to Machu Picchu. His name is Miguel and this bicycle has been his lifelong passion. Upon further conversation I discovered that he decided to create the world's greatest boombox bicycle. While he had the bicycle he initially had no spare funds to buy the speakers and other necessities. Over time he bought each item until he finally had it all together after 10 years of working towards his ultimate goal. The day I met him was his third day out on the boombox bicycle and he said he has been having the time of his life. I considered everything he told me as I decided in my head the price I was going to offer him for this bicycle. I knew from the moment I saw it that I just absolutely had to have it. My first offer was for $100 US hoping he would fall for the low offer. He told me the bicycle is not for sale at any price. I felt a little worried but could not give up. $1,000 US I told him. He once again told me that the bicycle was not for sale at any price. Now I was worried that he was trying to get me for all I was worth. $10,000 US final offer. He was about to tell me once again that the bicycle was not for sale but he must have realized how much money I had just offered and he said sold. We completed the transaction and I was on my way on the coolest bicycle I ever owed. People waved and smiled as I drove by. Miguel was right, I was having the time of my life until I made one wrong turn. It was like entering a whole new world from what I remember about the incident. Before I could turn back I was knocked out cold and woke up in the middle of the jungle with no boombox bicycle. I eventually found my way out of the jungle and searched the city trying to find my bicycle but it was gone. I continued on to explore Machu Picchu but I just could not forget about my lost boombox bicycle and since I have returned from my trip I have already starting building one of my own. Now I'm just pissed off that I spent $10,000 on the one I bought in Peru because it's only going to cost me a few hundred dollars for my boombox bicycle.

"I say we put MUSTARD on it!"

DUDE, Warrant RULES!

Yo, what's up fellow "House of Hair"-ites? The Metal Militia. The dudes, who can air guitar like nobody's business while drinkin' 2 PBR's at once. I was looking for a cool and cutting edge blog to post my finished masterpiece.... Like totally rad right? Totally badass rad. I mean, they even got the dimensions of Randy Roads' bicep correct. Like DUDE!

Oh, by the way, my name is Tommi "Iommi" Bunson. Dig the nickname backstage mamas? Well, I'm thoroughly single since I have not exited my apartment for the past 6 months hiding this back....OF FURY! Please get ahold of me through the Ramshackle fellas if ya can. Our date will be so exhilarating. I promise to go through each band and explain to you exactly WHY they deserve to be in the "House of Hair". Go ahead and debate me. My ex Shirley did and boy did she get an earful! I will explain my favorite albums and killer cuts.

And, to end the night right, we can chill in my apartment and I will pull out my axe and shred for you. I wrote a few tunes in my head while on the tattoo parlor table. Freakin' awesome babes!!

Love always,

Tommi "Iommi" Bunson

Cock Soccer

In the photo above you can see Colonel Crispy Strips to the left and on the right is my good pal Jonathan Tender Roast. These two soccer cocks have shown exceptional skills on and off the field which will hopefully lead them to the World Cup championship of cock soccer versus the Guatemalan team who have had the best cocks in the world for the past 4 years in a row. I suppose you may be wondering how I happened upon such skilled cocks. Well, it is actually a somewhat interesting story that begins in Amish country.

I was rolling around rural central Ohio taking some photographs and looking for something to eat when I came across a sign that advertised delicious and highly skilled cocks for sale. I decided to stop and see what this was all about. When I got out of my car I was approached by what I would call the equivalent of a street thug in Amish country. He was wearing a black robe and standing in the shadows of a buggy. I was a bit weary but decided that I absolutely needed to find out more about these cocks.

I ended walking away with the two best cock soccer players in all of Amish country and I have to say I was quite pleased with myself. The man had told me about the rigorous and extensive training that these particular cocks must go through. First they began with a steady diet of cock and only cock so that they have the essential blood thirst needed to play the game. After this phase, the cocks are sent to play with the best Amish soccer cocks until they have mastered the necessary skills to compete on a worldwide level. Lastly, they are sent to the slaughterhouse where they witness the atrocities that occur there and instill just the right amount of hate into the cocks. At this point, they are certified to be the best cock soccers in the world. It really is too bad that I got bored with the whole cock soccer thing and ended up eating those cocks. The sign was right though because those were definitely the best two cocks that I have ever had in my life.

My new sunglasshes...

Aloha folksh! It's Claudius Von Wainright the Third, Esquire here. As you can see, I'm lookshing extra stylishh with my rose colored "hip" sunglasshes, right? The mangy street vendor that shold them to me shwears they are authentic Prada and that alone was enough for me to pay $500 dollarsh for them.

Along with the glasshes, I received a certificate of authenticity with the following printed on it:

"Hello! Thank you for purchasing the Mercedes Benz of sunglasses! You hold in your hands a piece of history. These Prada beauties were hand selected to come to America in the knapsack of the Premiere of Italy. The plastic frames were created from the oil that flows from the bosom of New Zealand and then hand molded by a blind craftsman who intuitively sculpts each pair. The lenses were created from a NASA glass prototype that was stolen in a heist during the cover of night. Your pieces specifically were made possible because of the lookout boy Luis Zeister, who made the brave sacrifice of checking the voltage of the electrified door in the NASA's inner chamber. Please take the time and send the Zeister family a Thank You Card!!"

So, I'm offsh to the beach to grab some honeys. Take her eashy and if she's eashy, fool around with her;)

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