Dirt on my Shirt

I gots dirt on mah shirt.
More dirt than a flirty skirt.
Yah kiss me cuz I know what's best.
Like that time I drew ya face on my chest.
It shoulda been in disappearin ink.
That memory now starts to stink.
Its' all good though I'm movin' on.
It don't pay to meet girls in the john...

Funniest Used Car Ad

Funnier Used Car Ad

Funny Used Car Ad

Monty Python - Mattress Skit

Hank & I

I once got trashed with a piece of trash. It was a rolled up newspaper from 2 years ago. I named him "Hank". It was fun, but he kept wanting to talk about the situation in Zaire and I yelled at "Hank", I said, "Hank, let's flip you over to the Style Section and let's have some FUN!". He did, and well, now I have weekly pedicures. Oh well....

Blinding Sunrise

It wasn’t much different from an ordinary day when it began. The sun rose up from the eastern horizon with brilliant colors swimming amongst the clouds. Most of the commuters on the road were unaware or didn’t care about this beauty around them. That was until the colors manifested into something that humankind has never encountered before in recorded history. The colors began to spin and swirl around in the sky. Those not previously enjoying this sunrise were now taking notice. As people’s eyes took notice of this event there was a bright flash. This was the day that twenty million people went blind. At first the US government was quick to chalk up the mass blindness to terrorism as this was the most efficient explanation of any event in recent years. Unaffected people were frightened to leave their homes as they watched reports on CNN of mass confusion as people on the road now found themselves unable to see. Highways turned into parking lots with people wandering around trying to feel their way with their hands. People bumped heads, fell down and struggled to find their way in a sudden world of darkness. Tears began to trickle down the pavement like a stream from those who didn’t know what to do besides breakdown and cry.Luckily at the time my waking life began in mid-afternoon and I was still asleep when the chaos began. I awoke to an unexpected phone call around noon that day. Everyone who knows me knows better than to call as early as noon so I thought I had better answer the call.
“Have you heard yet?” said the voice on the other end that I had yet to determine who it belonged to.
“Heard what? Who is this?” I replied in a rather hoarse, sleepy voice.
“It’s Frank, you moron. I figured you would still be asleep but this is big news dude. Something happened today in the sky and there are millions of people now blind on the east coast.”
“Whoa…”
“It’s all over the news. It’s the craziest thing I have ever witnessed. The White House put out a statement placing the blame on terrorists and has pledged to send more troops to eradicate the threat.”
“Terrorists!? How the hell would they do that?”
“I’m not sure but right now that is the best explanation anyone has.”
“Alright I need to let all this set in. It feels like a dream. I’m going to turn on the news and see what’s happening. Feel free to stop by if you want.”
“I think I’m going to stick around here today.”
“Well get a hold of me later. Bye.”
I got up out of bed and walked over to the TV to see what was happening. I turned on the TV and then I suddenly woke up. My clock said it was six a.m. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep rather than take my chances with the sunrise.

Daves I Know

The scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat

Guinness Beer Commercial

Back 2 Basics

Oh, what a night. Late December back in '63. What a very special time for me, 'Cause I remember what a night.

Why you may ask dear friend? Well, I'll tell you, but I advise you take a seat first. Use that beanbag chair in the corner. I insist.

Let's just say that I triggered the polar shift then, and reversed it. And I aim to do it again too, if those darn kids and that dog don't get in the way....

I won't go into complete detail, but I will say thusly, it involved a petrified banana from the tomb of Cleopatra, shorn locks obtained when Abraham Lincoln cut his long hair before the Gettysburg Address, 2 cloves of garlic carried in the armpits of a native from the Malaysian foothills, a heavily disputed Wikipedia entry, all the former retired Chicago Cubs who's last name begins with "N", and a novelty pint of Guinness keychain.

Boombox Bicycle

On my most recent trip to South America I came across this fella in Cusco Peru while I was on my way to Machu Picchu. His name is Miguel and this bicycle has been his lifelong passion. Upon further conversation I discovered that he decided to create the world's greatest boombox bicycle. While he had the bicycle he initially had no spare funds to buy the speakers and other necessities. Over time he bought each item until he finally had it all together after 10 years of working towards his ultimate goal. The day I met him was his third day out on the boombox bicycle and he said he has been having the time of his life. I considered everything he told me as I decided in my head the price I was going to offer him for this bicycle. I knew from the moment I saw it that I just absolutely had to have it. My first offer was for $100 US hoping he would fall for the low offer. He told me the bicycle is not for sale at any price. I felt a little worried but could not give up. $1,000 US I told him. He once again told me that the bicycle was not for sale at any price. Now I was worried that he was trying to get me for all I was worth. $10,000 US final offer. He was about to tell me once again that the bicycle was not for sale but he must have realized how much money I had just offered and he said sold. We completed the transaction and I was on my way on the coolest bicycle I ever owed. People waved and smiled as I drove by. Miguel was right, I was having the time of my life until I made one wrong turn. It was like entering a whole new world from what I remember about the incident. Before I could turn back I was knocked out cold and woke up in the middle of the jungle with no boombox bicycle. I eventually found my way out of the jungle and searched the city trying to find my bicycle but it was gone. I continued on to explore Machu Picchu but I just could not forget about my lost boombox bicycle and since I have returned from my trip I have already starting building one of my own. Now I'm just pissed off that I spent $10,000 on the one I bought in Peru because it's only going to cost me a few hundred dollars for my boombox bicycle.

"I say we put MUSTARD on it!"

DUDE, Warrant RULES!

Yo, what's up fellow "House of Hair"-ites? The Metal Militia. The dudes, who can air guitar like nobody's business while drinkin' 2 PBR's at once. I was looking for a cool and cutting edge blog to post my finished masterpiece.... Like totally rad right? Totally badass rad. I mean, they even got the dimensions of Randy Roads' bicep correct. Like DUDE!

Oh, by the way, my name is Tommi "Iommi" Bunson. Dig the nickname backstage mamas? Well, I'm thoroughly single since I have not exited my apartment for the past 6 months hiding this back....OF FURY! Please get ahold of me through the Ramshackle fellas if ya can. Our date will be so exhilarating. I promise to go through each band and explain to you exactly WHY they deserve to be in the "House of Hair". Go ahead and debate me. My ex Shirley did and boy did she get an earful! I will explain my favorite albums and killer cuts.

And, to end the night right, we can chill in my apartment and I will pull out my axe and shred for you. I wrote a few tunes in my head while on the tattoo parlor table. Freakin' awesome babes!!

Love always,

Tommi "Iommi" Bunson

Cock Soccer

In the photo above you can see Colonel Crispy Strips to the left and on the right is my good pal Jonathan Tender Roast. These two soccer cocks have shown exceptional skills on and off the field which will hopefully lead them to the World Cup championship of cock soccer versus the Guatemalan team who have had the best cocks in the world for the past 4 years in a row. I suppose you may be wondering how I happened upon such skilled cocks. Well, it is actually a somewhat interesting story that begins in Amish country.

I was rolling around rural central Ohio taking some photographs and looking for something to eat when I came across a sign that advertised delicious and highly skilled cocks for sale. I decided to stop and see what this was all about. When I got out of my car I was approached by what I would call the equivalent of a street thug in Amish country. He was wearing a black robe and standing in the shadows of a buggy. I was a bit weary but decided that I absolutely needed to find out more about these cocks.

I ended walking away with the two best cock soccer players in all of Amish country and I have to say I was quite pleased with myself. The man had told me about the rigorous and extensive training that these particular cocks must go through. First they began with a steady diet of cock and only cock so that they have the essential blood thirst needed to play the game. After this phase, the cocks are sent to play with the best Amish soccer cocks until they have mastered the necessary skills to compete on a worldwide level. Lastly, they are sent to the slaughterhouse where they witness the atrocities that occur there and instill just the right amount of hate into the cocks. At this point, they are certified to be the best cock soccers in the world. It really is too bad that I got bored with the whole cock soccer thing and ended up eating those cocks. The sign was right though because those were definitely the best two cocks that I have ever had in my life.

My new sunglasshes...

Aloha folksh! It's Claudius Von Wainright the Third, Esquire here. As you can see, I'm lookshing extra stylishh with my rose colored "hip" sunglasshes, right? The mangy street vendor that shold them to me shwears they are authentic Prada and that alone was enough for me to pay $500 dollarsh for them.

Along with the glasshes, I received a certificate of authenticity with the following printed on it:

"Hello! Thank you for purchasing the Mercedes Benz of sunglasses! You hold in your hands a piece of history. These Prada beauties were hand selected to come to America in the knapsack of the Premiere of Italy. The plastic frames were created from the oil that flows from the bosom of New Zealand and then hand molded by a blind craftsman who intuitively sculpts each pair. The lenses were created from a NASA glass prototype that was stolen in a heist during the cover of night. Your pieces specifically were made possible because of the lookout boy Luis Zeister, who made the brave sacrifice of checking the voltage of the electrified door in the NASA's inner chamber. Please take the time and send the Zeister family a Thank You Card!!"

So, I'm offsh to the beach to grab some honeys. Take her eashy and if she's eashy, fool around with her;)

Showdown

Thimble of the Ancient Pharoahs

There's a rundown Flea Market just outside of the city limits of a town called Burnt Corn, Alabama. From the outside, it looks like any other dilapidated shopper's fair. Old Valvoline signs with rusted edges swing in the breeze, a board touting the "World's Best Damn Frozen Custard in Alabama" still resides and shouts it's tired message. Most folks call it "Uncle Tuck's Country Flea Market & Car Wash", and for good reason. The car wash is still used by passers by, usually by young folks hiding in the ports to fog up the windows on a Saturday night.

"Uncle Tuck's", however, has been closed for 7 years. But, if you chance by it Friday nights, walk into the blue painted building with a cigar store indian out front. It looks like any other rustic General Stores from times gone by. Once you enter the red-painted doorway, it's as if you've been transported. A blind-mute named Amenhotep works the counter at the most unbelievable store ever imagined.

I had the opportunity to "chance by" while taking photos for the local paper. Once inside, my eyes readjusted and my mind wrapped around what I had discovered. Inside, there were various wonders from throughout the world, at discount prices! There were 4 Arks of the Covenant for $150 each. The meaning of life in a wooden intricately-carved box was a steal at $11,000 (but they wouldn't take American Express). There were magic mirrors, a replica of the Golden Fleece, American Indian runes, and a whole stack of Ben Franklin's personal correspondence.

After taking a moment to read a note to Ben's mistress Mildred, I came across an item I could not pass up. It was a thimble, created from gold of Ancient Egypt. Encrusted with turquoise utilized by Nefertiti herself. I held it in my agile hands. This was something truly special. I asked Amenhotep how much he wanted for this veritable treasure not realizing he was a blind mute. After asking him repeatedly fifteen times and still no response, I threw a $20 bill down in disgust and left the amazing flea market.

Now, my next task, what do I sew using this amazing thimble? A toga made of the fur of a white buffalo? Only time, and imagination will tell...

How Jay Made A Dollar

"How much do you want for this?" said the man with the strange hat.
"I'm gonna need to get $2 for that" replied Jay.
"Whoa! That's a bit much for one of these don't you think?"
"Well you don't know what I had to do to get it."
"I'll give you fifty cents and that is my final offer."
"I just can't do it. How about a dollar fifty."
"No, no, no! Fifty cents is all that it is worth period."
"Okay I'll level with you. I first had to travel 300 miles in a custom built scooter powered by two field mice. After predators ate my power source while I slept, I then had to continue an additional 8.537 miles on foot to reach my destination. Upon arriving the owner insisted that I negotiate with his 3 year old daughter to complete the transaction. She wanted her weight in Skittles but her dad said no Skittles. So I suggested one dollar so I could just get it and leave. The man told me that my money was no good and that I was going to have to do just one thing for him to obtain the item. I'll spare you all the details because the complete story has been known to make full grown men burst into tears. Phase one consisted of a can of finely ground powder made from the hooves of elk, three yamakas filled with Campbell's Chunky soup and a copy of Cracked magazine circa 1974. Phase two involved fourteen meat cleavers, a pair of socks so worn out that just a single thread remained and a bus load of female senior citizen widows looking to get back on the dating scene. Finally, the third and final phase involved a deck of playing cards with all but the 5 of hearts removed, 3 bags of material marked with biohazard stickers, a beating heart fresh from the corpse of the most evil woman on the planet and finally a one pound assorted bag of those little pastel colored mini marshmallows. I'm sure you can fill in the details to understand that I had a very difficult time obtaining this item. You want to buy it for a dollar?"
The man with the strange hat removed his hat and proceeded to contort his face in several different ways that clearly showed the agony of making the difficult decision.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents"
"Can't do it. I need a dollar."
"Okay fine. Here's a dollar."
"Thanks fella."

Parallel Universe

Steve, Dave and Jay were sitting on a degraded park bench. The wood had well-worn butt grooves from years of elderly folk engaging in "heavy petting" during sunsets after they drank their daily fifths of scotch. The metal holding the wood was caked in rust created from a combination of summer downpours, squirrel and elderly urine.

In a moment of extreme clarity, Jay looked up. "Hey guys, in a parallel universe not far off from our own, I created this blog."

Steve took a moment from eating his orange creamsicle and asked, "What? That's cool. Blogs are da shizzle grizzle."

Dave smirked and asked, "What is it called?"

After much trepidation, Jay spoke, "Well, it's called Ramshackle Express Publishing. I can't go into much detail, but I can tell you this. It involves micro-fiction, a team of 26 gnomes transcribing our every hilarious thought by assigned letter each wearing a leotard with the specific letter printed on it, a powder blue Skip-It circa 1983, the letter "H" volume from Encyclopedia Brittanica with the picture of Herbert Hoover given a sharpie mustache, Mos Def's left pinkie wearing a Darkwing Duck Decoder Ring, and a trampoline made from the hairs of the wild goats of Nepal after a strictly cannibalistic diet."

Steve again looked up and mentioned, "That's interesting" and proceeded to give birth to a litter of calico kittens.