Dirt on my Shirt

I gots dirt on mah shirt.
More dirt than a flirty skirt.
Yah kiss me cuz I know what's best.
Like that time I drew ya face on my chest.
It shoulda been in disappearin ink.
That memory now starts to stink.
Its' all good though I'm movin' on.
It don't pay to meet girls in the john...

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Monty Python - Mattress Skit

Hank & I

I once got trashed with a piece of trash. It was a rolled up newspaper from 2 years ago. I named him "Hank". It was fun, but he kept wanting to talk about the situation in Zaire and I yelled at "Hank", I said, "Hank, let's flip you over to the Style Section and let's have some FUN!". He did, and well, now I have weekly pedicures. Oh well....

Blinding Sunrise

It wasn’t much different from an ordinary day when it began. The sun rose up from the eastern horizon with brilliant colors swimming amongst the clouds. Most of the commuters on the road were unaware or didn’t care about this beauty around them. That was until the colors manifested into something that humankind has never encountered before in recorded history. The colors began to spin and swirl around in the sky. Those not previously enjoying this sunrise were now taking notice. As people’s eyes took notice of this event there was a bright flash. This was the day that twenty million people went blind. At first the US government was quick to chalk up the mass blindness to terrorism as this was the most efficient explanation of any event in recent years. Unaffected people were frightened to leave their homes as they watched reports on CNN of mass confusion as people on the road now found themselves unable to see. Highways turned into parking lots with people wandering around trying to feel their way with their hands. People bumped heads, fell down and struggled to find their way in a sudden world of darkness. Tears began to trickle down the pavement like a stream from those who didn’t know what to do besides breakdown and cry.Luckily at the time my waking life began in mid-afternoon and I was still asleep when the chaos began. I awoke to an unexpected phone call around noon that day. Everyone who knows me knows better than to call as early as noon so I thought I had better answer the call.
“Have you heard yet?” said the voice on the other end that I had yet to determine who it belonged to.
“Heard what? Who is this?” I replied in a rather hoarse, sleepy voice.
“It’s Frank, you moron. I figured you would still be asleep but this is big news dude. Something happened today in the sky and there are millions of people now blind on the east coast.”
“Whoa…”
“It’s all over the news. It’s the craziest thing I have ever witnessed. The White House put out a statement placing the blame on terrorists and has pledged to send more troops to eradicate the threat.”
“Terrorists!? How the hell would they do that?”
“I’m not sure but right now that is the best explanation anyone has.”
“Alright I need to let all this set in. It feels like a dream. I’m going to turn on the news and see what’s happening. Feel free to stop by if you want.”
“I think I’m going to stick around here today.”
“Well get a hold of me later. Bye.”
I got up out of bed and walked over to the TV to see what was happening. I turned on the TV and then I suddenly woke up. My clock said it was six a.m. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep rather than take my chances with the sunrise.